The story of us part 4 | LOVELY LITTLE RANTS

The story of us part 4


I made this sign & it sits in our family room. Lettering by Little Kit Design, sign available here

Part 1 | part 2 | part 3.

So I had a problem. I didn't know how to love. (K that sounds sooooooooooooooo dumb/dramatic but it's true so don't make fun.) It was something I yearned for so deeply and pressured myself to fall into so much and felt so defeated that it wasn't happening in 2 seconds. This was the norm with most of my relationships. It sounds so dumb, I KNOW. I had never truly been in real love. I did say it ONE time to a boy I dated for a year, I think after 11 months of dating I finally said it back, and then I broke up with him a month later so I don't really count that as real true love. 

Let me get personal for a second. I have 2 parents just like you guys and by some miracle they had 4 kids. I don't really know if they were ever in love. I would assume that if you have kids, you were probably maybe in love at one point, right? I can count on one hand how many times I saw them kiss or cuddle or hold hands. Maybe they were just REALLY private about showing any sort of affection, I have no clue.
 I remember when I was 15 or 16 they started sleeping in separate rooms. I remember asking "Why?" all the time and wasting tears on the subject regularly. I remember hearing blame and excuses. It killed me and left me so confused and hurt. I remember thinking "If this is marriage, count me out." Seeing this series of events through my teenage years didn't exactly teach me positive things about marriage. I knew I wanted to get married someday but I also knew this example was a perfect one to teach me what not to do. That was my experience with "love" and the only sort of love example I had seen up close. 

Movies you guys. Oh how movies are the death of society. I love them but I also hate them. People don't fall in love in 2 seconds (99% of the time) like you see in movies. Since the "love" I saw at home wasn't something I aspired to attain and movies seemed to be wonderful, I decided to base my thoughts off of the fairy tales in movies. 

It's so silly but I pressured myself to be in love asap or obviously it wasn't going to work out. But I also wasn't going to say it just to say it. I was supposed to just one day wake up and be in love. Love was supposed to be this thing that I couldn't control and it would happen and I would just know right then and there. Dating Jason WAS love. I didn't see it at first though. (clearly) Every time I was sad, he was there to fix me. I developed some weird anxiety spell and I was constantly anxious and the only person who could free me of the anxiety prison was Jason. Literally when we were apart, anxiety and tears and emotions spilling out every second. I would pile my thoughts onto Jason and somehow he managed to always calm me down and make me feel normal again. 
If I could describe Jason in 1 word it would be patient. Seriously, I don't know why he stuck with this anxious mess of a girl.
We dated and it was great but also not great with me always being anxious. Jason was always great, he probably didn't feel it all the time but if not he faked it well. I actually ended up deciding to see a counselor because of my anxiety to see if that would help.

Best decision I ever made (besides obviously marrying J) My counselor was amazing and helped me realize where the anxiety was coming from. So I don't bore you with details, basically the marriage my parents had and the 'relationship' I have with my mom and the pressure I put on myself with dating and life all rolled up into one was too much for my body to process. One thing I have really taken from my counselor was that love is a choice. You CHOOSE to be in love. It isn't this magical spell people are under, it isn't something you fall into, it's a real thing you have to choose everyday. After I got that through my head and with some help through prayer, I decided to choose love and I knew it was right and real and wonderful. Once I chose it, it was natural, it was as perfect as 2 people can be, and it was meant to be.
I actually said it first. Jason had almost said it many other times and I knew it, each time I would stop him (ahhhh) because for some reason I didn't think I was ready to hear it. Part of being in love is accepting it and letting it happen and for a while I couldn't. After the many almost attempts, I think he was too nervous to say it because it might scare me away. 
The day I said it we were standing in his family room and I just looked at him with a smile and said the words, "I love you, Jason." He echoed those words right back to me. It was perfect and I was 100% confident in this choice of love I had made.

One thing led to another and we were talking about marriage and it was the most exciting thing ever. I was never one to plan my wedding starting at 2 years old or have colors all picked out or anything at all. If you're asking why, please reference paragraph 2 ;) side note- I literally used to think marriage would be so boring "what do you do all day, just stare at each other and do nothing???" ha. 
We got engaged in May and luckily I blogged about it so you can find the story right over here. We were married on August 7th, 2014 and it has been my favorite decision. We laugh, cry, fight, basically things every married couple does. Most importantly, we are in love and will forever choose it every single day.

And that right there is our story. I know without a doubt that I was supposed to marry Jason. Once I made that choice, I never looked back and I never will. I love you, J!! Now I just need to get our wedding day up on the blog because it's only been an entire year so I'm kinda behind.

See full story: Part 1 | part 2 | part 3.

xo
Candace

42 comments

  1. movies make us happy when we watch them but so unhappy when we expect the same fairy tale to happen to us! it certainly didn't happen to me, but I chose to love too even if I was scared and a complete mess (also seeing a counselor at some point for other reasons, which is goo anyways). but I'm happy I chose to do love the person I love!
    can't wait to hear about the wedding!! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly!! Movies seem so magical but they are not reality! Awh you sound similar to me :) I'm so glad we both chose love!! Thank you so much for your comment, Irene!

      Delete
  2. Love this! I like thinking of the idea that love is something you chose... You make the decision and put yourself out there. Movies and so silly and I always get caught up in there love stories too. So unrealistic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you!! I totally 100% agree! Love is 100% a choice that you choose everyday :)

      Delete
  3. This is such a beautiful story and really a touching tribute to your husband! It sounds like everything worked out the way it was supposed to, and that you two were truly made for each other. I'm so glad that you found one another, and that you, yourself, were able to overcome your fears and anxieties about love. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much!! xox I am soooo glad, too! And I am glad I realize that my thought process was totally wrong and it is something my kids will not have to see :)

      Delete
  4. Love is a choice! And marriage is choosing to honor that love every day. It is unreal the amount of work it is but I am so glad you found your special someone to share it all with! Thanks for sharing your story!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. amen amen amen!! Seriously that is so true! Thank you SO much, Bekah for your sweet comment :) xo

      Delete
  5. I love your love story! :D I was always freaked out over the "L" word until I found my hubs. It just felt so right with him! So happy for you!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much!! Yeah I was so scared about it and then when I realized I needed to actually choose it, everything fell into place perfectly :)

      Delete
  6. I love your love story!! It's so beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is a TRUE love story! Love you can!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. awhhhhh love you schmels!! thanks for being apart of it :)

      Delete
  8. First of all love that sign - so pretty! And I loooove hearing about you learning to love. Such a beautiful story <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kate!!! You are so so sooooo sweet!!! xo

      Delete
  9. Yay!! I love your story! I agree with you that love is a choice. Drew and I have said before that we may not like each other sometimes but we love eachother always. Marriage is hard and you have to work at it. Drew has seen me at my best (wedding day), in pain (both children's births), worst (during a fight and maybe births) ha ha, and every thing in between. If we can love each other through that and know that at the Nd of the day he's who I want so snuggle up to and feel comfort than it's love. :) you've got this girl!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much, Jess!! hahah that is so true! Sometimes it's like so hard and I'm so stubborn (oops) but I will ALWAYS love Jason no matter what stupid fights we get into :) I love your comment and It makes me feel like we can relate on this kind of stuff (minus the babies, hopefully soon!!) you are awesome!!!

      Delete
  10. Yes! Oh yes, so absolutely. Love is a choice. You said it so well here. (also I love that sign!)

    Your story just broke my heart. I hate that you had to grow up seeing that example of marriage. But I love to hear how strong of a person you have become inspite of it (or maybe because of it?). Anyway, good for you for breaking the pattern you grew up with. And for having such a strong marriage now!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you sooo much!! I guess my parents (although their example wasn't one I would have picked for myself) did at least teach me that you literally can never waver on choosing love EVER, you have to fully commit and fully love each other no matter what happens or what expectations aren't met perfectly. Thank you so much Rach!! xo

      Delete
  11. I love this so much. My parents divorced when I was a senior in high school… talk about an awesome graduation gift (not). It was super hard and still is, but I have grown super close to both of my parents, moreso than when they were together. Shortly after I met my husband and decided that I wanted our marriage to be different… and it has been. He is my person! Sure, there are times when I tell him he's annoying me and I need some alone time, but he is my home and I truly believe in our marriage!! Divorce is not an option for us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry!!! That would be a pretty hard graduation surprise :( My parents literally JUST split (finally) which is bitter sweet I guess. It's been a long time coming but it's also sad they couldn't work things out. We've both learned what not to do and seen why a marriage can fail so I am grateful to take that away from this mess. I totally agree, divorce is NOT an option and there are SO many ways to prevent it!

      Delete
  12. I love this so much! I felt the same way about not knowing how to love. It's sometimes hard for me to put into words how I feel about my husband because he is just the best. Thanks for sharing! xo, Champagne&Suburbs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks sooo much for reading and i'm glad we can relate! It's always nice to know I'm not alone :)

      Delete
  13. I love that sign, it's really pretty.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sooo sweet! Oh my gosh I was so delusional for a few years because of movies. No one should be allowed to watch romantic movies until they're like at least 21 so they don't get these dumb expectations in their head! Hahaha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha I agree!! No romcoms till you can write me a 5 page paper on what love is to you!!! ;) But yeah, those dumb (but awesome) movies gave me such false ideas on love!

      Delete
  15. I have to constantly be in check with myself and my crazy expectations of marriage or what my husband should or shouldn't be doing. Love IS a choice! And it's the best one I've ever made.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen girl!! As long as I always remember that I want to choose love and Jason then I foresee pretty smooth sailing , Totally agree, best choice I've ever made, too :) Thanks Em!!

      Delete
  16. I read this yesterday morning on my phone and totally forgot to comment! (too busy ranting to you via email hahaha) This is so awesome Candace. I love your honesty. LOVE it! It's crazy how our parents relationships affect us isn't it? (and also scares me to be a parent) My parents got divorced when I was 5 and both got remarried within a year, and my Dad is still married to my step-mom, my Mom got divorced again when I was 16, and so I completely understand the "what is a good marriage??" Also even though my Dads still married, I've never felt that they were truly in love, they just don't like to be alone. (not to mention, it was his FOURTH marriage lol) So that always made me NOT think about marriage and weddings at all. It also made me into a serial dater and I "loved" everyone, because I thought you just were supposed to move on and never be alone or something. I also broke up with everyone I ever dated, like so easily because that's kind of what I knew too. (seriously, our parents show the way, even if they don't realize that they are) It's hard to grow up and figure it out on our own. But there is no giving up. That's the one thing I learned from John (and his amazing parents.) It is a choice. I LOVE that saying now - "Love is a choice" I'm so glad you shared this part of your story, and SO happy you found Jason. I can't imagine you two will ever lose the love you have (and I know I've never even met you, but it FEELS like I have haha)

    x. Morgan / MorningApple

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THIS is why you're my favorite!! Thank youuuuu for this comment. Seriously the more we chat the more alike I see that we are!! We will meet one day, I promise haha But seriously, there is SO much more I wanted to say but didn't. I could honestly write an entire book on my feelings towards the example I was showed and the things I was told. BUT I won't haha because I don't think my parents would take me back after that ;) My mom would always say she didn't want to split for us (the kids) but I always secretly kinda wished they WOULD for us because it was either living in a toxic environment and seeing a crapy example or seeing a split and being like "ok 2 people who couldn't make it work, I can see that" Or obviously just putting pride away and trying to fix their issues. ahh I need to stop ranting. You totally get it though! So glad I have Jason and SO glad you have John! Obviously never met you guys, but the stories you tell and the way you talk about him is love and you two are perfect for each other! xo

      Delete
  17. I love this! You're absolutely right that love is a choice. The example of marriage I got from my parents wasn't the best either so I can totally relate to your fears. But isn't it the best??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Evelina!! Marriage is really the best. Hard for sure but overall I would never do anything different or change what I have for the world. Jason is my best friend and I love him sooo much no matter what :)

      Delete
  18. Just read the engagement story and how precious! Sounds like a sweetie you've got!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank youuu Paige!! :) He is the sweetest sweetie there is haha thanks for your sweet comment! xo

      Delete
  19. This is my favorite part of the story. :) Glad you guys were able to find each other!

    ReplyDelete
  20. OMg so I honestly only just found your blog today but I CANNOT. STOP. READING. Going through all four of the posts I am honestly soooooo happy for you because you have found your own happiness and SOOOO happy for your both because that was the cutest love story I've ever read! What surprised me though was that I can relate to some of the things you wrote about. In particular... I don't want the same kind of marriage that my parents have (its not a positive one either unfortunately) but I can see from your post that it hasnt shaped your own thoughts. I'm sorry if I'm not really making sense but I'm so happy that you and Jason are able to make your own happiness just between the two of you (now three!!) for your future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. K you are seriously SO nice!!!! Thank you!!! ahhh that's like an honor you even say that, so really thank you so much!! :) I'm sorry about your parents, too. It's def not a fun thing to only live and grow up seeing a crapy marriage because then it made me just base love off of movies which is are also not good ways to model what I wanted!! Luckily moving away from the toxic environment helped a bunch and seeing a counselor of course worked wonders!! You are the nicest ever thank you!!!

      Delete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Instagram