Why I left the Mormon church. | LOVELY LITTLE RANTS

Why I left the Mormon church.


This post has surprisingly been seen by so many strangers because it started to get shared on social media, something I would have never expected to happen and something that scared the heck out of me since this is such a vulnerable topic for me to share. It also makes me grateful to know that I am not alone and that so many others felt connected to me through my story. I've gotten a lot of different comments that I would like to address really quick, (on and mostly off of my blog)- If you are LDS, I am happy you have found your truth! If you looked into some history and still remain active, I am happy for your happiness. Our stories are different, our experiences are different, our hearts are good, our intentions are pure. I wish everyone the best of luck in their own search to truth. I want to keep this post and my blog a positive space so any negative comments (for or against the church) will be deleted. I want to remain respectful to my loved ones who are members and I hope any comments can do the same. This post got way more traction than I ever expected and I appreciate everyone so much for reading it! I've gotten mostly positive feedback and a few "we don't want you in our church anyway" comments from strangers. (on other social media sites) If anything, I hope this post opens up more love to past members who have chosen a different path to happiness. I hope it can help people feel less alone and I hope it encourages members to take a quick step into someone else's shoes and generate a perspective they hadn't thought of. A lot of people don't know that I left the church when I was pregnant with Brighton, but just recently felt comfortable writing up this post to share with the ones I love.

Well... there goes that bomb. I'm sure most of my friends and family who are reading this will be surprised, but let me start by saying this: I am OK. I am so happy. My family is my rock. Please read my story and please try to put yourself in my shoes. If you are struggling in your faith, please know you are not alone. That is honestly one of the hardest things about my decision - feeling like I was so alone.

Over the past few years, I have had questions that run oh SO deep about the LDS church. Questions to things I never imagined I would have. Questions that I was so scared to admit for so, so long. Mormonism isn’t just a church, it’s an entire lifestyle. It is your culture, it is your people.

Leaving what was my everything behind was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. But it has also become a decision that has made me a much better and happier version of myself.

I have debated writing this for soooooo long! I am so scared of whispers from people who haven’t walked in my shoes. I’m scared of the judgements from people who are able to believe a religion that I cannot, and people who don't understand my story. I decided that I don't want to "hide" myself anymore. I don't want to live in that fear of losing friends or being judged for a decision that I can't unmake. I want to be my truest self and stop fearing things I can't change.


Let me start at the beginning. I was born into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, blessed as a baby, baptized at 8 years old, 100000% couldn't be moved in my faith. I believed so deeply and was so dedicated to the doctrine of the church. I would judge people for wearing bikinis for crying out loud because it wasn't "modest" enough for my "high standards". I loved my friends in the church and had 99.9% LDS friends.

It was a natural progression to get my Young Woman's Award, attend BYU-I, take out my temple endowments, marry in the temple, etc etc. I even strongly considered a mission for a while because I loved and believed in the church SO strongly. I remember my list for things I wanted in my future husband had "MUST be a return missionary" written across the top. I was so proud to proclaim my beliefs on social media and my blog, I even worked closely with the church on a few social media campaigns.  I wanted people to share the happiness I thought the church was bringing me in my life. I knew the greatest gift I had was being a part of the LDS faith, and was so grateful to be blessed with the knowledge I had.

I read my scriptures regularly, kept a scripture journal, took notes in conference, and listened to conference talks every day. Church music filled my car speakers as I would drive from place to place. I made sure to attend church every Sunday and never spent a penny on the Sabbath. I magnified each calling and took pride in the lessons I gave as a gospel doctrine teacher.

I remember times throughout my schooling where I would ask people not to curse and stuck up so strongly for my beliefs when someone questioned them. When I attended Mesa Community College I had an entire PowerPoint presentation that I gave to my class called "Why the book of Mormon is true" and I even passed out copies of the Book of Mormon to classmates after my speech. I would leave pass-along cards with my tips at restaurants and would only date Mormon boys who were strong in their faith. I sometimes overpaid tithing because I wanted to make sure I gave enough money to the church I loved. I tell you all of this not to "brag" about how strong my testimony was but to express how dedicated and true I was to the LDS church.

I remember being so excited to marry the love of my life inside of God's temple and prepare for my endowments. Something I had literally prepared my entire life to do! I sang songs in primary about the temple and enjoyed participating the baptisms for the dead ceremonies as a youth in the church.

I remember one of the worst experiences of my life was attending the temple to take out endowments for the very first time and feeling darkness. I did not find peace inside the walls. I thought there must be something wrong with me because I was supposed to love the temple and feel God's love for me! I was supposed to feel the spirit and attend often to grow my testimony. But no matter how hard I wanted to feel the spirit and love the temple, the few times I attended were very uncomfortable and left me with a dark feeling, a feeling that didn't feel right. I know the temple can be positive for many people, but for me, it was a place I dreaded attending.

I feel like a very BIG misconception people have is that when someone chooses to leave the church, it's because they didn't have a testimony to begin with. Because someone at church hurt their feelings or offended them. Because they were lazy and wanted to sin, or because Satan ate their soul and dragged them into his depths. At church, I was taught that people who fell away did so because they didn't understand the teachings and blessings they would miss out on, that they were selfish.

I could go on, but you get the point. I feel like when someone leaves the church, members are so "sad" for them. How could someone leave the TRUTH? How could someone willingly give up eternity? Here is a secret for you, people who leave the church are usually not these things. They are usually a lot happier people than they were before. (obviously not all leaving experiences are positive for everyone, but I've found it to be very positive for myself) I think it's hard to understand that the LDS church is not a one-size-fits-all. It can be amazing for some people. It can help some people. But is not good for all people. It cannot make all people happy.


Why I left. 
It was 2013 when I watched a video called "Top 5 Myths and Truths about Why Committed Mormons Leave the Church" (video can be found here, the presenter was an active LDS member when he made this video). The title alone was interesting and the video was sent to me by a family member who at the time had watched it and found the information surprising.

That video started the beginning of my "shelf". A shelf is something that all members have (whether they know it or not) where they keep unresolved, faith-challenging topics. When someone in the church hears about something that they may *not* fully agree with, but would rather not to think about it - or just figure it will all be solved in the afterlife – they put that information on their shelf. (Example shelf items people might have are polygamy; the policy where children of gay parents cannot be baptized until the age of 18 – and only if they disavow their gay family; women having almost no authority in high positions of the church, etc.).

This video taught me some very tough LDS history but I decided to suppress those shelf items and ignore them. I loved my religion and was not about to let some video break my strength. Even though the information was proven true (aka it wasn't an anti-mormon video by any means) it hurt too much to let it affect my testimony.

 I remember when I first heard about the church releasing their essays on difficult topics These essays were written in an attempt to address the confusing or hurtful aspects of  LDS policy, theology and history. Things like polygamy (both during the time of Joseph Smith and after his death), the multiple first vision accounts of Joseph Smith, racial discrimination and the priesthood, and many more.

These topics were things I either a) hadn't thought much about or b) was never taught to begin with. You can see these essays directly on the official church website here, scroll to the bottom to see them. I remember reading the multiple first vision accounts. I had seen things I thought were "anti-Mormon" stating there were multiple first vision accounts so to see that it was actually TRUE was a shock. I had only been taught one first vision account my entire life (as read in Joseph Smith History) and here I was learning at age 22 that there were actually SEVERAL accounts given.

I decided to read them, because it didn’t feel right to just make a life changing decision without reading them for myself. One really BIG thing for me was Joseph Smith's claims of seeing God the father and his son, Jesus Christ and them telling him to restore their gospel. It was something that had anchored me and something I fully believed. So, I read them. One is written by Joseph Smith in his own personal journal.

Now, when I write in my journal, especially as a teen, I never expected anyone to read it. I wrote my deepest secrets, hopes, dreams, crushes, etc. I was not one to shy away from anything in my journal, because I knew that it would never be seen by anyone but myself. Joseph only mentioned seeing the Lord in his account. JUST the Lord. The Lord forgave him of his sins and that was pretty much the bulk of the experience (official church given journal entry found here) That shook me. My shelf had started to crack. It was the slightest hairline crack, but a crack was forming.

Why were two beings not mentioned? Why didn't they tell him to restore the gospel? Mostly, I was very confused. Trust me, I have read allllllll the arguments as to why these VERY important details were not mentioned but the arguments aren't fact, they are simply speculation of MAYBE.

I don't do well with "maybe." It would be like me moving and not having any of my belongings anymore but *forgetting* to mention that this all happened because my house burned down in a fire. That would be a pretty significant detail to not mention, right? Or if I went to the hospital and then came home with a big scar but didn't tell anyone it's because I had a C-section. There are pretty key things missing that didn't sit well with me. But still, I choose to believe and stay strong.

"Our whole strength rests on the validity of that [First] vision. It either occurred or it did not occur. If it did not, then this work is a fraud. If it did, then it is the most important and wonderful work under the heavens" Gordon B Hinkley conference talk found here.

I still questioned of course, but just stuck any questions I had up on my shelf. I talked to multiple bishops, saw an LDS counselor to talk about my issues, and had many, many conversations with close LDS family members regarding my questions. I was not about to let my beliefs go and just give up so easily. I was determined to find an answer that made sense and helped keep my testimony afloat. I was conflicted as I realized that people of many other religions felt similar strong testimonies of God telling them their church was the most correct. How could God be telling them that their church was the right one when other people felt God was leading them to mormonism?

But after years of searching, the answers didn't come. The excuses and justifications  flowed strong in each conversation. People trying to prove this and that with things that weren't fact. I was told that my heart was too hard, it was my own fault that I couldn't believe. I was told I had too much pride and I wasn't letting Christ in.  I was told to just pray harder, just read the scriptures more. Attend the temple as often as you can. Pray to God that he will tell you the church is true. But still, I was confused. I was conflicted, but I tried. When I prayed about it with a sincere heart, the only answer I felt was to keep going on the current path I was choosing. 

One family member constantly told me I needed to decide. I couldn't sit in limbo forever. I couldn't stand still. At this point in my faith journey, I was content. I questioned and was confused, but I was very content to still go with the flow and remain a believer in the LDS church.

Eventually, being told I HAD to decide got frustrating. I wasn't sure exactly what would be the best way to move forward. I decided that I needed to dig in deep, so I jumped headfirst into LDS history and read all that I could to help me solidify a decision - be it I stay a believing member of the LDS church or that I leave the religion.

One thing I was very strict on (and still am if I search any history) was only reading sourced material. I was not interested in anything that did not have a traceable source or anything that was heavily biased to make me believe one way. I read sections of the official church history books, Fair Mormon, MormonThink, and so forth. My favorite sourced podcast is the "Year of Polygamy Podcast" which dives very deep into the history of polygamy and Joseph Smith’s involvement in plural marraiges, as well as tidbits of his life history. I would very highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in learning about some of the history of the LDS church and more specifically polygamy.

Polygamy wasn't something that bothered me much before because I was told "it would all work out when we died" and I was ok with that. Since it didn't bother me, that was the second topic I decided would be "safe" to explore on my search for truth. I was quickly educated on things I had not learned about in Sunday school. Things that started to get to me.

I wasn't aware that Joseph had married women that were already married to other men, or that he was sealed to women as young as 14.  I didn't know that Joseph hid his plural marriages from Emma until he got caught. I was always taught that he only married multiple women because there were so many widows who needed someone to take care of them. I never knew that the real reason Joseph Smith was put in Carthage jail was because he ordered the burning down of a printing press that exposed his polygamy (which was illegal). Through my honest studying, I found that that was about 2% of the polygamy story. I slowly dove into studying topic after topic, taking it in bits and pieces because it was all hard to learn and handle.

I quickly learned that what I was taught growing up vs what actually happened was very very, very different. Much of the fairytale information I was fed growing up was quickly proven to have happened in a different way. A way that did not seem very Christlike to me. Many half-truths jumped off the pages as I read, jumping deeper and deeper into the history. As I began my research, it was very hard to hear things that I didn't agree with. Things that made me so sad and things that were so hard to read about. I had to take breaks from reading because it was all SO much information. It was like learning that Santa Clause wasn't real as a child.

After doing a very significant leap down the historical rabbit hole, I was faced with the scariest truth I had ever believed in. The truth that I couldn't believe in the LDS church any longer. My entire world came crashing down around me like a slow motion scene in a movie. Fear creeped into my mind as I wondered where to go from here.


Jason.
One question people like to ask if they find out about my faith transition is what Jason thinks since he has chosen to remain LDS. Jason has known my questions since pretty much day one. I remember before we even started dating I came to him with a few questions I had, questions that caused me such pain because I prayed to God they weren't true. I again decided to just doubt my doubts and continue on the LDS path that I truly wanted and was excited to marry in the LDS temple shortly after we started dating.

 I don't remember how far into our marriage I started to deeply question and I don't remember the exact instance I told him of my growing doubts. All I remember is that he was so supportive and loving. He has honestly been my biggest support. He has never once brought up divorce or leaving, never once told me I was an idiot or didn't know what I was talking about. Of course in the beginning we had some arguments and it wasn't peachy perfect, but we've quickly learned that the thing that matters most to us is each other.

We didn't get married because of a religion, we got married because of the love we share. I've had some of the nastiest things said to me from people close to me because of my choice, but Jason has always been there. He has stuck up for me in certain situations and supports me in my decisions as I support him. My biggest thing is that if it TRULY makes him happy, then I will continue to support him and vice versa.

I want to emphasize: it was never an EASY thing to happen for either of us, however I can confidently say it has made our marriage stronger. 

*please remember I looked at history and that doesn't mean Jason has chosen to read much of it. That is his choice and I respect him 100% to look or not look into history and I love him so much regardless if he does or doesn't. I support him and religion isn't the basis of our marriage so it doesn't matter. My post isn't about his story and I don't want to divulge details that are personal to him. Just to address some comments.

I won't go into details of all the history I read simply because that would be impossible and that isn't the reason for this post. There is SO much information and I also know it doesn't matter what I say, it is all such a personal journey for each individual. It's the same as people who like to reconvert me with their testimony, it doesn't necessary matter what they say, it is all very personal. I am super open about everything and I am always more than happy to talk to people about it IF they ask. It isn't really something I advertise, but if asked, I will share.

I don't hate the church, I don't hate people who are LDS, I just simply have chosen a path that is the best for my life. I have prayed about my decision and have never felt such peace. I still strive to be a good person in my own definition, I still love my daughter and husband more than life itself, I am still literally the exact same person that I always have been.

I feel like my mind is more accepting and loving than it ever has been, I feel like my internal happiness has never peaked so high, I feel like seeing both sides of the fence has been an overall positive experience, and I feel like my life has never been richer. I still believe that I will be with my family forever after we die, I don't believe God would ever separate a family based on their beliefs.

I know this decision is not popular but luckily, that's not why I picked it.

xo
Candace


I want to also recognize that I love all of my friends and family- LDS or not, so much! I know this has been hard on some of you and I am sorry to have caused that hurt. I hope this can help you understand my journey a little bit better.  I am not trying nor will I ever try to convince anyone to believe what I believe because I know how personal that is for each individual. I won't lie, I very much believe in studying anything in depth that heavily influences your entire life and choices, but I would never push anything on another. If you made it this far, thank you.  If you are struggling in your faith, please know you can always talk to me. I am here for you, I know how hard it can be to go though this alone. 


For anyone interested in learning more history about the LDS church here are some sources:
Letter for my wife (uses LDS sources)
Dear Mormon Man (not history but gives a new perspective of why some women in the church feel it isn't equal with man)
Mormon stories podcast (not historical but they discuss current topics in the LDS world. He interviews LDS and non LDS people on their experience in the church)

41 comments

  1. Thank you so much for writing this- I know there are so many of us that relate to your story. I too feel like the “popular” way to go would not be the right way to go because it is disingenuous to what you feel is right. The church taught me to “do what is right, let the consequence follow.” I have kept true to this and it ironically led me to seek spirituality elsewhere. Thanks again for the post!

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  2. You’re so thoughtful! I love how you express your feeling while trying to give full consideration to everyone. The Mormon church can be a beautiful and healing place for so many, but for so many, it can be a place of confusion and dissonance. It is important that we honor and love everyone for their journey and respect that we are all trying to be better and closer to God individually and in a way that feels right to us. I love you Candace! Thanks for being so heartfelt and vulnerable. ❤️❤️❤️

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  3. Thank you for sharing your story. It's very brave of you.

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  4. This is a mirror (almost) of our journey as well. It has been incredibly painful and hard. It helps to know that we are not crazy and there are others that are walking along side us.

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  5. Your story closely resembles my wife and I as we searched church history together and both resigned together 8 months ago. As hard as the decision was and still is..it was the best decision we ever made. I love the quote "What's unique about Mormonism isn't good and what's good about Mormonism isn't unique".

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  6. Oh my goodness, this could have been my story. Thank you for telling it. <3

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  7. I can only imagine how scary it was to hit publish on this post! I'm a Christian, but I don't follow one particular denomination anymore-- I believe God sent his one and only son Jesus Christ to save us from our sins -- the rest is often left up to cultural interpretation.

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  8. Beautifully written! Thank you for having the courage to share your story and experience. Your story is very similar to my own, and I wish you nothing but happiness as you continue your journey and figuring out this thing called life. :)

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  9. Candace, I appreciate you sharing your story. Sounds like you've done a lot of research. And I'm sure this was a tough decision. I wouldn't try to convince you otherwise and wish you luck in your journey (I hope you will continue to study). I've spent the last 15 years deeply studying many of these issues and more and actually came to a different conclusion. I try to focus on Christian Theology and Philosophy generally. I've been increasingly impressed with the substantive doctrines of Mormonism. Mormonism's unique teachings about the ontological nature of God, atonement theory, the reconciliation of grace and works, the democratization of revelation and scripture, and the extraordinarily loving doctrines of eternal progression. Anyway, good luck. Don't stop searching!

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  10. Thanks for sharing your story! You really are so brave. I appreciate your explanation of how all-in you were growing up and as an adult before learning information that broke your shelf. My story has a lot of similarities and it's hard to know how to explain it to people to make them understand you're not sinful or drawn away by Satan. Your paragraph about how scared you are to share your truth and receive judgment is perfection. It's SO hard to explain and share our journeys out of the church. I left more than a year before my husband joined me, and we have only recently told our families (I have now been out almost 3 years). It's been rough because of everything the church repeatedly teaches about "apostates". Though they'd never believe us if we told them, we really are happier now than we ever have been!

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  11. I have not even finished reading this yet (I am doing it now!), so I may have more to say! I feel you so so much on this, as a questioning member myself. Thank you for sharing, not enough people do this, especially in a kind and thoughtful way. And I would love to see the stigma of questioning members go out the window, it is so crazy that it is "hush hush". I have a MILLION things I could talk about with you on this..but want to give you a *digital* hug and say you are NOT alone and I appreciate you

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  12. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. I have a similar story. It’s important to know we are not alone and we are not crazy. It can feel that way when all our family and most of our friends are believers in one true church. I’m finding this feeling is dissipating as I move further into the acceptance stage in my faith transition. Bless you!

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  13. Amazingly well written Candace. You express what SO many of us have gone through, or ARE currently going through.

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  14. I'm a convert to the LDS faith, and felt lucky to have been exposed to some of the more challenging aspects prior to joining. I applaud your courage in pursuing these difficult questions. I understand you have already explored this to a great, heart-breaking extent. If ever you wish to talk with someone who has also explored these topics, and remains an active member, just let me know. I support you no matter what. Good luck!

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    1. Hey Jacob! I’d like to chat with you about your perspective of things. All this new info is going crazy on my head! Thanks

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  15. It's something many many of us go through. For some people the problems with church history or the historicity of the Book of Mormon are deal breakers. For others it's not enough to make them leave their community. But it is an individual decision and belief can't be faked. Major props to your husband for being so supportive and for you to respect his decision to stay. Best wishes to you and your family.

    Cheers!

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  16. Very very similar to my journey. My wife joined me in leaving with our four children and we are very happy. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  17. I feel like I could have written much of your post. I can totally relate. It was the whole ‘flaming sword’ thing that sent me down thto rabbit hole. It was the first time I had ever thought ‘Huh. Is it possible he made the whole thing up?’ And once you go down, it’s pretty impossible to go back. Thanks for sharing!

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  18. I feel like my story is so similar to yours (I even went to BYU-I). I also felt sooo alone at first but now I'm realizing that there is life outside of Mormonism and it's ok to be my true, authentic self. Thank you for writing this!

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  19. Thank you for sharing this! Everything you said reminded me of my own journey and really resonated with me. You're incredibly brave for sharing your story for everyone to read. I know that must have been incredibly tough knowing how many active Mormons react to people going a different way. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  20. I totally agree with your feelings about the temple. The temple is the single issue for me. It was revealed directly to Joseph and then clarified by Brigham and has been sustained by every prophet, apostle and every priesthood holding leader in the church. There are no translation issues and from Gods perspective must be the single most important aspect of the church. How can the temple not be uplifting? How can it be so heavy handed in controlling and demanding perfection? An yet how can the leadership keep changing it? Revealed to Joseph and changed! Garments revealed to Joseph and changed! Oaths, actions, language etc. There are no geography, History or translation issues with the issues concerning the temple.

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  21. You are a brave and courageous woman. I too left and I too was once a very “molly” Mormon. I judged others and had high moral expectations for myself and others. My shelf of questions finally broke and I dug in deep to find the truth. Through a broken heart I continued to have a strong faith in Jesus Christ. My eyes were open and free to love others fully without judgement. Serving others is no longer a chore or requirement. I serve because it fills my heart with pure joy. I attend a non denominational church where the focus is simple; Jesus Christ. I wear jeans to church and don’t get crustys from those in the pews. But, instead get smiles and hellos. My happiness has multiplied ten fold. God Bless you and everyone who is on a similar journey. 💜💜💜

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  22. Reading your story and now all the comments, it’s comforting to see I’m not alone. I joined the church 8 months before marrying my LDS husband (also Jason:) and was very proud of my new found faith! Same as you, I was taught all “fairy-tale” truths about JS and the history. I became interested in learning more church history and started reading Rough Stone Rolling...that’s when my shelf began. I’m still working out what my faith looks like today but also feel more God-inspired and honest with the path I’m headed down. Thank you for sharing!!

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  23. I feel you. I experienced a similar journey and it is healing to encounter your well written explanation. Here is a song about how it feels to be judged for changing your beliefs. I hope it helps. https://soundcloud.com/angela-soffe/rocks

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  24. Beautifully written Candace!!! You are so brave! Thank you so much for sharing your story! My wife and I left almost exactly 1yr ago having taken a very similar path to yours. I was a bishop for many years and in the stake presidency when we left. We are so happy now and love our lives outside of mormonism!!! Cheers to our new journey!

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  25. https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2017/04/o-give-me-back-my-prophet-dear.html?m=1

    I need to write down my story again. I wrote the post I shared here to provide some of my feelings after reading, but I took down my post where I shared my story. I need to re write it and share it again.

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  26. https://diligenceovertime.blogspot.com/2017/04/o-give-me-back-my-prophet-dear.html?m=1

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  27. That blog post I pasted above shares some of my own thoughts after I left. I need to re write and re share my story though. Thank you for inspiring me.

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  28. Like Joseph Smith, I have seen Jesus Christ - twice. I have also written about my experiences seeing Him in my Journal. I can easily think that if I wrote about these experiences more than once, there would be differences in the accounts, depending upon to whom I was writing and what the purpose of sharing the account might be. I also know that Joseph was a man and not perfect. The Head of the Church is perfect. The Book of Mormon is true. That's enough for me.

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  29. What have you done differently in your life since denouncing the religion and stop reading from the book of Mormon? How has your life changed. Are you now drinking wine because it is excepted in every other religion? Or are you pretty much the same person that grew up with the same good values that you have always been taught? And do you serve your fellow men the same way that you have always been taught? Isn't religion of any kind based on your own faith and not the faith of others even a prophet of God? Because when it comes down to it he is just a man too and all men are sinners. I'm curious too. But I don't base my religion on a man. I base it on my faith of God and God alone. Thank you for your post, it is very informative.

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  30. The temple was were my own journey away began just over a year ago. I love your post and appreciate you sharing your own truth so much! It isn't an easy path when your husband still believes and doesn't see any problem with the history. Thanks again for sharing!

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  31. Thank you for having the courage to post this! I’m a 26 year old female RM who started to question 6 months after returning home, especially due to the essays and Rough Stone. You’re beautiful, a great writer, and a courageous young woman.

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  32. Thank you for sharing your story as well as the links to all the information of what you studied and read to help you make your decision. So many of us have gone through the such similar experiences and it is comforting to know that we are not alone.

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  33. Very much my story, I tried so hard to be what I thought was expected. For me as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse the temple endowments went beyond not feeling the spirit. I felt victimized, I wanted to leave but, i didn't know where my son was.

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  34. Thank you for sharing. I know how hard and scary that is. My shelf started breaking in 2013, and my husband and I left for good in November 2015, at age 29. You are lucky to have realized all this so young. I wish I’d had more of my younger years “out.” I wish you the best and am so glad you’ve been able to keep your marriage. Mixed faith marriages can be happy and successful! Your story feels so much like mine. I was as Molly Mormon as it gets, and that made it all the more heartbreaking to leave. Hang in there!

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  35. Love your story. It's similar in so many ways to mine. Thanks for sharing. You are not alone and please don't take it down. Like you I understand that people can not be convinced of something one way or the other. They convince themselves but every change in heart starts with an idea or a willingness or maybe just reading something they had never know about before. I'm grateful for the internet and the access to information that we now enjoy otherwise I would probably still be stuck beating myself up for not being a good enough mormon. Love it. Thanks again for sharing.

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  36. The first thing on my “shelf” was the Pearl of Great Price and the Papryrus rolls. I wondered for years how Joseph could be a true prophet and yet miss the true translation. And why this was hidden from members for so many years. And the seer stone. This is not how the missionaries explained to me that the plates were translated. I felt betrayed. If this had been accurately portrayed I don’t think I would have joined the church. So many wasted years. But I enjoyed the service I was able to give as a member of the church. Primary President. Relief Society President. You are right. Mormonism is a way of life and when I slipped out of the church my whole social support group was lost. I miss the “belonging.”

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  37. I’ve never read a story so close to my own, most friends and family who have left the church did so with animosity and outspoken hate in their hearts, and while it has taken me nearly 4 years to accept that the church I grew up in is definitely not for me, I hold nothing against it. But logically speaking it has been so hard for me to accept that it’s not for me, and even though it’s been nearly 4 years since I’ve worn my garments or truely felt a part of it, I’ve been ashamed to open up to my family the fact that I haven’t attended in almost a year, let alone doubted for much longer. Thank you for your words, it brings me a step closer to living my truth and being able to own my beliefs to all those I hold dear.

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  38. Good post Candace. I actually decided to leave the Church recently. That is actually why I found your blog. Still in that transition phase were I'm getting used to life not under the church's controlling methods they have over memebers. I'm sure you know what I mean. I still talk to a few LDS friends though, not many too many just a few girls from my old ward. Maybe years from now I'll make my own blog like this telling my story what I left. Thanks for the article!

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